The following is a Halloween guest post from my in-real-life friend Mitch from last year (2010). I thought it was hilarious enough to republish. Buckle up and enjoy the undead humor!
If you’re reading this blog, you realize that one of the most import things you can do to ensure a safe, happy future is to plan ahead. But what about your head? Or, more specifically, what’s inside your head: Brains.
Yeah, you’ve got some, all right, and that’s just the problem. In the dark days to come, the streets will be full of mindless throngs out to get you. And no, I’m not talking about all your friends and family who didn’t fully invest in their 401(k). I’m talking about the rising tide of the undead who will walk the earth in the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse.
Yes, friends, it IS coming… and sooner than you expect.
If you plan to be one of the “breathers” who makes it through the Time of Troubles alive, then you need to plan for it today. That’s right; you need to be Budgeting in the Undead Stuff.
Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse
Like any form of disaster preparedness, you need to look the problem squarely in the eye (in this case, a milky white eye devoid of a soul or human emotion) and analyze your options. The first step to planning a response that is both effective in terms of cost and saving lives is to decide on how big a disaster you are budgeting for.
If, like some of my friends, you think the Zombie Apocalypse will be the end of human civilization, then you might as well cash in those stock options and move your family to Alaska to live in a fortified Kwanza hut (Alaska’s the first place you should flee to because of its low population density and – because zombies were originally created by voodoo doctors living in the tropics – the undead tend to avoid places that are chilly.)
I personally believe that the disaster will only run about 3-6 weeks before all the dead will be shot in the head by a either tailgating rednecks or the US Army. So, in that case you need to plan to stock up some basic supplies, just as you would in any disaster (like a hurricane, earthquake, plague of locusts or door-to-door salesmen).
Basic supplies should include:
- Canned food (and a can opener)
- Basic First Aid Kit (aspirin, bandages, triple antibiotic ointment, burn ointment, etc.)
- Extra Medication (blood pressure, heart, etc.)
- Blankets or sleeping bags
- Flashlights & batteries
- Portable TV or radio
- Extra socks (trust me on this one, you can’t have too many socks)
Checking Your Undead-Battling Supplies
These things should be checked and rotated on a routine basis, particularly the food. When stocking the pantry, pull the older canned goods forward and put the newer ones in back, so you can maximize the shelf life on these goods. The same is true for the batteries.
To be honest, these are things you should already have as part of ANY disaster kit. But, I also suggest adding the following items, which are not expensive and will last for years. The trick is to put these into a rugged plastic case and leave them there until an emergency:
- Knife, scissors, latex gloves
- A tool kit (a hammer, nails, screwdrivers (both common and Phillips), pliers, and some wire can come in very handy when you’re trying to nail boards over the windows to keep out the hungry undead or those salesmen)
- A solar charger with an adapter for rechargeable batteries AND an adapter for your cell phone
- Emergency blankets (those thin silver kind that fold up into a small pouch can keep you warm at night and can be nailed to the roof during the day as a signal to passing helicopters)
The latter items aren’t really that expensive (easily under $100) online or at a sporting goods store, and if kept dry, they’ll last for years.
Unique Zombie-Fighting Supplies
There are a few things that are unique to planning for a horde of the undead roaming the countryside. These include the need for weapons. Now, if you’re from Texas (like me), then the chances are good you’ve got a gun or two just lying around the place. And don’t get me wrong, nothing says “Adios, Brain Sucker!” better than granny’s old 12-guage. However, guns make noise and that attracts more zombies. So, sometimes you want to keep things quiet.
Baseball bats are perfect for knocking in zombie noggins. And you don’t have to go out and buy a new one, either. Hit some garage sales and see if one of your neighbors is selling one after Junior got tired of little league. Another thing you can find at garage sales is a cheap back pack. No, I don’t mean for hiking through the Sierra Madres mountains, but the kind Sissy outgrew when she moved up to junior high. After all, you never know when you might have to grab your survival kit and hit the road (or just flee to a refugee center). True, a garage sale purchase might find you waiting out the apocalypse with a Hello Kitty backpack, but it’s better to be tacky and alive than fashionable and having zombies eating brain tartare fresh out of your skull.
So, with a little luck, pluck and planning, you and your loved ones can be prepared for ANY disaster, including an army of darkness hell bent on devouring your main asset: You and your family.
Crystal’s Question: Did the idea of grabbing “granny’s old 12-guage” make you laugh hard enough to make milk spurt out your nose? No? Just me then…