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Budgeting in the Undead Stuff

The following is a Halloween guest post from my in-real-life friend Mitch from last year (2010).  I thought it was hilarious enough to republish.  Buckle up and enjoy the undead humor!

If you’re reading this blog, you realize that one of the most import things you can do to ensure a safe, happy future is to plan ahead. But what about your head? Or, more specifically, what’s inside your head: Brains.

Yeah, you’ve got some, all right, and that’s just the problem. In the dark days to come, the streets will be full of mindless throngs out to get you.  And no, I’m not talking about all your friends and family who didn’t fully invest in their 401(k).  I’m talking about the rising tide of the undead who will walk the earth in the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse.

Yes, friends, it IS coming… and sooner than you expect.

If you plan to be one of the “breathers” who makes it through the Time of Troubles alive, then you need to plan for it today. That’s right; you need to be Budgeting in the Undead Stuff.

Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

Like any form of disaster preparedness, you need to look the problem squarely in the eye (in this case, a milky white eye devoid of a soul or human emotion) and analyze your options. The first step to planning a response that is both effective in terms of cost and saving lives is to decide on how big a disaster you are budgeting for.

If, like some of my friends, you think the Zombie Apocalypse will be the end of human civilization, then you might as well cash in those stock options and move your family to Alaska to live in a fortified Kwanza hut (Alaska’s the first place you should flee to because of its low population density and – because zombies were originally created by voodoo doctors living in the tropics – the undead tend to avoid places that are chilly.)

I personally believe that the disaster will only run about 3-6 weeks before all the dead will be shot in the head by a either tailgating rednecks or the US Army.  So, in that case you need to plan to stock up some basic supplies, just as you would in any disaster (like a hurricane, earthquake, plague of locusts or door-to-door salesmen).

Basic supplies should include:

  • Canned food (and a can opener)
  • Basic First Aid Kit (aspirin, bandages, triple antibiotic ointment, burn ointment, etc.)
  • Extra Medication (blood pressure, heart, etc.)
  • Blankets or sleeping bags
  • Flashlights & batteries
  • Portable TV or radio
  • Extra socks (trust me on this one, you can’t have too many socks)

Checking Your Undead-Battling Supplies

These things should be checked and rotated on a routine basis, particularly the food. When stocking the pantry, pull the older canned goods forward and put the newer ones in back, so you can maximize the shelf life on these goods. The same is true for the batteries.

To be honest, these are things you should already have as part of ANY disaster kit. But, I also suggest adding the following items, which are not expensive and will last for years. The trick is to put these into a rugged plastic case and leave them there until an emergency:

  • Knife, scissors, latex gloves
  • A tool kit (a hammer, nails, screwdrivers (both common and Phillips), pliers, and some wire can come in very handy when you’re trying to nail boards over the windows to keep out the hungry undead or those salesmen)
  • A solar charger with an adapter for rechargeable batteries AND an adapter for your cell phone
  • Emergency blankets (those thin silver kind that fold up into a small pouch can keep you warm at night and can be nailed to the roof during the day as a signal to passing helicopters)

The latter items aren’t really that expensive (easily under $100) online or at a sporting goods store, and if kept dry, they’ll last for years.

Unique Zombie-Fighting Supplies

There are a few things that are unique to planning for a horde of the undead roaming the countryside. These include the need for weapons. Now, if you’re from Texas (like me), then the chances are good you’ve got a gun or two just lying around the place. And don’t get me wrong, nothing says “Adios, Brain Sucker!” better than granny’s old 12-guage. However, guns make noise and that attracts more zombies. So, sometimes you want to keep things quiet.

Baseball bats are perfect for knocking in zombie noggins. And you don’t have to go out and buy a new one, either. Hit some garage sales and see if one of your neighbors is selling one after Junior got tired of little league.  Another thing you can find at garage sales is a cheap back pack. No, I don’t mean for hiking through the Sierra Madres mountains, but the kind Sissy outgrew when she moved up to junior high. After all, you never know when you might have to grab your survival kit and hit the road (or just flee to a refugee center).  True, a garage sale purchase might find you waiting out the apocalypse with a Hello Kitty backpack, but it’s better to be tacky and alive than fashionable and having zombies eating brain tartare fresh out of your skull.

So, with a little luck, pluck and planning, you and your loved ones can be prepared for ANY disaster, including an army of darkness hell bent on devouring your main asset: You and your family.

Crystal’s Question:  Did the idea of grabbing “granny’s old 12-guage” make you laugh hard enough to make milk spurt out your nose?  No?  Just me then…

FYI:  I worked at a dead end cubicle job from 2005-2011 for about $30,000 per year.  I went self-employed in July 2011 and make between $70,000-$90,000 through blogging, professional pet sitting, hubby's reffing, and our rental home.  If you’d like to start your own site (link to my free step-by-step guide), I highly suggest checking out Bluehost (my referral link with a nice discount for you, PLUS a free custom header banner from me!).  Please contact me any time at budgetingfunstuff*at*gmail*dot*com with questions or just to brainstorm! I’d love to help!
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18 thoughts on “Budgeting in the Undead Stuff

  1. Do you think I could scare away zombies by throwing all the political propaganda that is inundating my mailbox at them? What if they were somehow forced to read it all? What if I called their cell phones incessantly telling them to vote no on proposal 2, would that drive them away? I know those two things are tormenting me right now, but I am not a zombie (yet), so I don’t know if they would be unaffected.

    Very fun post! Great way to share some very important information!

  2. You’ve got point about the baseball bat. Sometimes you gotta keep things on the down low. Hilarious Post.

    I stopped stocking a ton of extra batteries. They always seemed to go dead before I got around to using them. I guess if I get attacked by zombies, I’ll have to make a torch with wood and gas.

  3. I fall somewhere on the survivalist spectrum. 🙂 If you talk to a dedicated survivalist, I’m woefully unprepared. If you talk to a hopeless optimist, I’m paranoid. That’s probably a good balance for me.

    When I bought a generator, the reason I gave was “for the zombie invasion”. When I installed water barrels, the reason was “for the zombie invasion”. The simple truth is, if you are prepared for a zombie invasion, you are prepared for everything else, too. 🙂

    The best thing about a zombie invasion(and a rifle!) over any other disaster is that zombies provide food on-the-hoof, without my having to resort to murder. It’s probably still considered cannibalism, though. 🙁

  4. I read this post as a survival manual. Reminded me of “Zombieland” movie. :-)I am not big fan of zombies but Zombieland had me at first line. 🙂 Nice and funny post. Thank you Crystal for posting it.

  5. @Nicole, I thought so too.

    @Everyday Tips, oh man, I hear you. I think political propaganda is a slower working killer than a baseball bat though…

    @First Gen, we don’t have any gasoline around the house so I guess we’d need to use our propane grill to our advantage…

    @Jason, I wouldn’t eat zombie meat for fear that the contaminate is within their system…I might have to resort to dachshund or Pug but don’t tell my little ones… 😉

    @Aloysa, I’m glad you liked it! I’ll tell Mitch!

  6. We are woefully unprepared for a zombie apocalypse. We’ve been meaning to do it, but we just don’t have any storage space in our small condo. I need to look up how much a security door bar cost. Flimsy doors won’t do in a zombie outbreak.

  7. @retireby40, hahaha…we need to look into new doors too. We have way too much glass…

    @Car Negotiation Coach, I loved your list of cars that may help you through the zombie armageddon, lol. It’s in my roundup tomorrow. 🙂

  8. Jenna: You are correct. There should be matches and a lighter on the list. They just got overlooked because, as someone who’s always grilling red meat, I’ve got a drawer full of replacement lighters on hand.

    I reckon I just forgot because they’re so danged obvious (as are propane and propane accessories).

  9. Mitch, If you’re into zombie books, “The Rising” by Brian Keene is my favorite and real a page-turner….not so much a good reference for preparation and more of a captivating train wreck chills your soul…

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