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I’m Still Here

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Yeppers, I am still here.  My most recent miscarriage, has made me crampy and tired, but I’m physically fine.  Medically, my two follow-up blood tests have shown my HCG falling like it should and I have another blood test this week.

As usual, I can’t easily write informational posts when I’m sad.  It’s like my give-a-shit turns off.  But I can vent.

My Current Mood

In this specific case, I seem to have enough energy to keep up with pet sitting, my online business emails, and to stay in touch with friends and family.  Then I just want to eat donuts and nap.

And I have been eating ALOT of donuts and taking MANY naps.  Yeah, I know the donuts are working against me, but if you mention that below, I will most likely tell you to fuck off.  That’s the sort of mood I’ve been in.

I don’t have the classic 5 stages of grief.  I generally just vacillate between angry and sad/depression for a while and then bounce right to moving on.

I am sincerely happy that pet sitting is awesome even when I’m not.  I get to pet, play, and talk to all the dogs and cats like usual, and they just listen and lick and sit in my lap.  Easy.

With humans, it’s a grab bag on what I hear back when I tell them what’s going on…

I Will Punch You In the Face

If you have said any of the things I am about to share, I am sorry I wanted to punch you in the face.  I do understand you are just trying to be supportive and kind.  Logically, that is how I log it away.  But in my imagination, in that split second, I broke your nose.  If it helps you to know, I’ve heard these things dozens of times, so you are not alone in the imaginary-broken-nose arena:

  • “It’ll happen for you next time.”  Ummm, no, it might not.  I said that last time with the blighted ovum and then I had a frickin’ ectopic pregnancy!!!  And even if it does happen for me sometime down the road, that doesn’t help me right now.  Right now, I feel like my breeding-like-Catholic-rabbits heritage has failed me twice and I have to be grateful just not to be dead.  It feels like shit to have to be grateful for not being dead.
  • “That’s not as bad as…”  FUCK.  YOU.  Yes, having two miscarriages is not as bad as having more than two.  And it’s not as bad at 5-7 weeks as it is to have a still birth.  And it isn’t as bad as it could have been if my fallopian tube exploded.  And it isn’t as bad as a shit ton of other things, but it sucks for me right now.  That is all.
  • “Have you tried…”  Well, I’ve been pretty clear on what I’ve tried.  I peed on ovulation sticks, had sex with my husband for 3 days straight when those tests came up positive for an LH surge, and I got pregnant both times we did that.  And I am still bleeding and cramping right this second from this miscarriage happening right now, so no, I have probably not tried whatever it is you are about to say.  Maybe next time.
  • “Stay positive!”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  No.  I mean, sure, I bet I will be a positive person again.  But right now?  I’m positive I am sick of bleeding.  Have I mentioned bleeding?  There’s a lot of that…

Again, if you have said one of those things above, don’t worry about.  And please don’t apologize, because then I’d feel supremely awkward.  Plus, there is a good chance I will not remember that you even said it.  I’m not kidding, I’ve heard all of those at least 3 dozen times each.  I just imagine-punched you at that moment and we’re all good now.  Promise.

And there is a lot of humor from sharing too…

The Funny Side

For example, I’ve chatted with a McDonald’s drive through lady off and on for the past 2-3 years.  We don’t know each other’s name, but she knows I’ve been trying to get pregnant.

Anyway, she asked how the attempts were going yesterday when I was driving through for a tea.  I leaned out while I was pulling forward and said, “Two miscarriages this year so far.  Sucks but I’m okay.”  She paused and got a concerned look on her face, then yelled back, “I’m so sorry.  Want one of mine?”

I CRACKED UP.  Was giggling about that on and off all day.

Another friend sent me this picture to make me laugh along with the message “Sending healing light to your little uterus and tubies!”  I guffawed.

Thank you all for your continued well wishes.  Thank you even for your clichés.  I do appreciate the general meaning behind it all.  I am okay and still here for the long haul.  Hope you are too.  🙂



FYI:  I worked at a dead end cubicle job from 2005-2011 for about $30,000 per year.  I went self-employed in July 2011 and make between $70,000-$90,000 through blogging, professional pet sitting, hubby's reffing, and our rental home.  If you’d like to start your own site (link to my free step-by-step guide), I highly suggest checking out Bluehost (my referral link with a nice discount for you, PLUS a free custom header banner from me!).  Please contact me any time at budgetingfunstuff*at*gmail*dot*com with questions or just to brainstorm! I’d love to help!
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6 thoughts on “I’m Still Here

  1. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this and to having to deal with the unhelpful comments on top of it. People who haven’t gone through anything so gut rentching just don’t get how you can’t just pull up your bootstraps and keep going all the time. Sometimes it’s cathartic to wallow in those feelings and get through them in your own way and at your own pace. Take care of yourself; you’re in my thoughts.

  2. Mmmmm…. doughnuts. If they’re good enough for the police they’re good enough for you, too (especially the glazed ones!)

    Love the drive-thru woman’s comment!

    I’m glad you’re still blogging. I have had plenty of “punch you in the face” moments, too, over the years. You just spelled it out a little more eloquently than I would have. 🙂

  3. @Nicole, thank you. Yes, I’m cathartic wallowing…I’ll be getting out of the wallow pool in another week or so…

    @Mitch, HAHAHA. I re-read what I wrote last night just now…didn’t feel eloquent. But thank you. And yes, just plain glazed are my absolute favorite right now.

    @Amy, thank you! I know I probably have now scared away a lot of support. I really did mean it when I said that I know everyone is just trying to show support. I only want to imaginary punch them and only for a few seconds. 😉

  4. I know this may sound weird but go with me ….go someplace for me I like to go in my car and drive .
    Roll all the windows up and blast some music really loud and let out a good couple of screams preferably on the highway where people cant pay to much attention to you. or into a pillow but you might not want to freak the hubby or animals out. I’ve done this when I was really frustrated and afterwards I felt better. It might be silly but honestly it helps to when your just a mixture of emotions sad, mad, confused, frustrated.

    Also I have 2 kids , im 30 and im on mirena birth control. I recently learned that I need to take out my Mirena which is sooner than I thought. I’ve always thought I would have #3 but now im divorced and in a new relationship and after talking to my doctor and relatively no BF who wants no kids realize that my dream of having #3 might not be a reality. It’s been hard to think because honestly it was something that never crossed my mind. Im no way comparing my experience to yours but I do sympathize with wanting something so bad and seem just out of reach. <3

  5. Roll all the windows down, Randall, crank up the music, grow out that fro. Let someone else make your bed. (from this is us…)

    Sometimes you just have to have a hissy fit so you can get on with living.

    Be well soon and let life move forward with whatever will be…

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